


Gravity always wins

by ms_heisenbug



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Female V (Cyberpunk 2077), Implied/Referenced Suicide, Judy and V are a mess, Neil deGrasse Tyson is the shit, POV Judy Alvarez, Too much Radiohead, V and Judy are not that hopeless gays, or are they?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29808867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ms_heisenbug/pseuds/ms_heisenbug
Summary: Judy has a hard time coming to terms with Evelyn's death. After the anger phase comes the bargaining one, but is she ready to move on? How to deal with this loss in a city that was the cause of it all? The past is waiting to remind about itself, the reality creeps out its long claws and the future... The future doesn't have to look so grim, only if it'll let her in.
Relationships: Judy Alvarez/V
Comments: 6
Kudos: 97





	Gravity always wins

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction, plus English is not my native language, so please, keep that in mind. Point out mistakes I made, any feedback would mean the world to me. Anyways, hope you'll like it, enjoy.

  
  


Judy was touching the cold and dark Columbarium tombstone, delicately tracking every single digital letter with her index finger.

  


_Evelyn Parker_

_She died valiantly fighting the system._

  


She remembered the night trying to write that, wondering how to encapsulate Evie’s life and death in one sentence.

One fucking sentence.

She had no idea how expensive burials were until another fight with unrelenting bureaucracy and uptight, inhuman rules that this city was functioning by. What if the whole world was like that? Then what was even the point in running away if everywhere else was just the same? Ev was hoping that somewhere out there, far away from Night City it would be different. She was searching for a way out for the both of them. And she found one. But only for herself leaving Judy all alone in this broken and rotten city with even more doubts, insecurities, and guilt.

One sentence. How did anyone approach this? Who would even read that? Who would care? Who would stay for a second and wonder about who she was, how she looked, what was she like? Who would probe these words? Even if someone stopped for a moment and contemplated it, they would probably annotate it with a snort and a shake of a head saying _figures_. Is that what you get for trying? A place at Columbarium with your name or only initials, depends on how many eddies you have, and maybe an epitaph that is a poor summary of your life, which ended in an unsatisfactory time? Because it’d always be unsatisfactory, if not for you, then for your close ones.

Judy sat down on the side of Evelyn’s tombstone, hiding from the possible curious eyes, face in front of recollections of others’ past which they’re trying to forget or had already forgotten, judging by the number of people strolling along the Columbarium. She wrapped her arms around her legs and rested forehead on knees.

She never understood why people romanticize suicide. It’s not beautiful or poetic when someone does not see any other way to follow through, when the light of hope is mercilessly snuffed out, when the dark and crippling nothingness is better than here and now. For years now people have had this distorted image in their heads, especially when it came to poets, actors, or musicians, whose deaths always spiked the suicide rates along the country like there was some kind of glory attached to it.

She did understand though why Evelyn made that decision. That choice was truly hers, only hers. She was the one in control. A total opposite to what she was used to. However, it didn’t change how Judy felt about it. She wasn’t angry at her for leaving without saying goodbye, not anymore anyway. She was angry at this city which was like a huge sink that chewed people the minute they entered its borders. It blinded them with fake holo dreams, rubber plans and forced them to get rid of themselves in exchange for this crooked prospect of plastic happiness. Eventually, it spits them out, because it got what it wanted, leaving them with nothing behind, in front of, or inside.

But primarily Judy of course blamed herself. That she could have done more, forced Evie to stand on her feet, to try again. But she failed. Miserably. Can you even railroad someone to live? The choice should be theirs, not shoved through their throats. You can’t attach the strings to their limbs to control them like some kind of puppets. Make them pretend to enjoy the time here and force them to play life a little bit longer for your own peace of mind and sleep-filled nights.

Maybe Judy was not good enough to make her stay. Maybe she was not worth the effort that comes with day-to-day existence. If even Evelyn came to this conclusion, then how could she become someone special for anyone else? Maybe she had some kind of defect, hidden deep inside, which once discovered by others, made them run out the door like an old cartoon character and never look back. What if she was broken and all the things that went wrong in her past went that way because of her? Maybe Maiko was right. Maybe she is unstable and fucks everything up.

With a quick gesture, she wiped a tear that had somehow escaped and was now wandering down her cheek. She stood up and once again approached the inscription. The more she was reading it, the more she hated the words that she came up with sitting down back at Lizzie’s basement. Lately, she couldn’t bring herself to stay at the apartment more than she had to. She still felt and tasted the metallic scent of blood mixed with Evie’s perfume. She was desperately trying to get rid of that smell, so she started smoking inside the apartment, going against her own rules. She bought a new mattress, but still couldn’t even pass through the bedroom threshold. Cleaning the bath was the worst. She was scrubbing its surface so hard and vigorously that she tore the gloves without even realizing it. The bleach ruined her hands and blood got under her fingernails. She couldn’t get rid of it for a couple of days. Even now she got the impression that it was still there.

Maybe coming here was a mistake. Why was she punishing herself even more by looking at this pathetic attempt of coming up to terms with Evie’s death? She gently stroked her name with a thumb and slowly walked away with her head down.

The Columbarium was empty at this hour, this is why she came here this late. Just as she was about to take the stairs she heard someone's voice. A familiar one. 

‘... and yes, I’m taking care of your wheels, don’t you worry.’ Loud sigh and moment of pause. ‘ _Mano_ , I don’t know what I’m doing. I struggle and scrabble, interfere with other people's lives, turning them upside down, and for what? To extend my expiration date a little? Who am I to ask anyone for that kind of sacrifice?’

Judy’s heart skipped a beat at those questions and she froze, not sure what to do. Eavesdropping was rude, especially in a place like this, where people often poured their hearts and souls to someone close. She also didn’t want to disrupt this personal and intimate moment. But she decided to make her presence known, because the longer she waited, the more awkward this situation would turn out to be. So she raised her head and took a few steps forward finding V resting her forehead on the tombstone with her eyes closed.

‘Um… Hey, V.’

The merc immediately peeled herself from the wall and with the embarrassment on her face, she rubbed her neck.

‘Oh, hi. Didn't expect to see anyone at this hour.’

‘Me neither.’ Judy smiled sadly and looked at the tombstone.

  


_Jackie Welles_

_Good night, sweet prince._

  


V followed her gaze and pointed at the inscription with her thumb, ‘I know it’s stupid.’

‘What?’ Judy asked, clearly puzzled.

‘Talking to him.’ V sheepishly looked at Judy and immediately attempted to shift the focus of the conversation from herself, just like she always did. ‘You were at Evelyn’s?’ Judy just nodded and looked down at the ground. There was this silence between them, but not from the awkward kind. V put her hands in the back pockets of her pants and scuffed her shoe against the ground. ‘I really liked what you wrote. _Died valiantly fighting the system_.’ The merc looked up and sighed. ‘I’m no poet and didn’t know Evelyn long, but I think you captured her spirited soul.’

The wall of tears unexpectedly blurred Judy’s vision. She lowered her head trying very hard not to cry, but V's words made something in her snap. Hearing an inscription spoken out loud by someone else, and not only repeated in her head over and over again, somehow made real and materialized what she felt, and tried to suppress within herself for the past weeks. Judy covered her face with both of her hands when suddenly she felt a firm squeeze around her arms and gentle strokes on her back.

‘Shit, I’m so sorry,’ V whispered.

‘Not your fault,’ she answered, her voice muffled because she rested her head on V’s shoulder.

They stood there for a good few minutes, or so Judy thought - her squeezing V tightly around her waist like she didn’t want to let go because otherwise, she might lose her balance and fall, and V with one hand on Judy’s neck and another slowly caressing her back. Judy felt like her body was slowly losing the pressure under merc’s soothing touch, like every single cell inside her body finally got the right amount of oxygen and she could breathe freely, with every fiber of her being. But it wasn’t the oxygen that she breathed in. It was the smell of powder, leather, CHOOH2, coffee, and something she was not able to name, but what definitely made her feel safe.

Over the last week or so, Judy had this sensation as if she was spinning away, just about to leave her orbit because the force holding her there was drastically diminishing. Less and less mass was interacting with her and the distance between her and others was increasing. She was avoiding any interactions at Lizzie's, locking herself up in her underground den. She only kept in touch with V, exchanging texts from time to time. Those messages, often short or suddenly interrupted every few hours, but unaffected, sometimes goofy, and just... normal, prevented her from falling into a deep, dark pit. But being here and now she felt that she was returning to the right trajectory, because something, or rather someone, centered her, like her own, personal, natural satellite.

Even when Judy stopped shaking, V didn’t loosen the squeeze, as well as Judy didn’t push her away. They could probably stand there all night long, but the sound of the phone brought them brutally to the ground. V took a step back while Judy was trying to clean up her face which she could only imagine how pitifully and unattractively looked. The phone made a sound again, but V was still standing with her hands inside her jacket pockets.

‘You can answer that,’ Judy said with her head still down, trying to hide what was already poured down on V's shirt.

‘Oh, surprisingly it's not mine.’

Judy opened her holo and in fact, that was hers, ‘Sorry about your shirt.’

V looked down at the alleged damage that Judy caused to her merc’s looks and smiled, ‘It’s black anyways, so don’t worry.’

Judy went outside the Columbarium and checked the messages. They were from Rita.

  


_Hey beautiful_

_Sry but can’t drive you back_

_The rendezvous will take longer than expected_

_Srsly?!_

_How the fuck am I supposed to get back?_

_Rita! Hello?!_

  


She tried to call her but with no luck. She let out a heavy sigh and looked up at the sky. It was a little darker out here in comparison to the city, but still, it was challenging to find any stars. The blinking lights of planes, satellites or whatever metallic cans people shoot up were much brighter than actual astronomical objects. Fakeness is always shinier than real things.

‘Something important?’ V asked, stepping down the stairs of Columbarium.

Judy shook her head, and without taking her eyes off the sky, she said, ‘It’s sad and fascinating that this image above us is past.’

‘Yeah.’ V took a breath in and made a long pause like she was wondering if she should proceed. Judy stayed silent to make it easier for her, wondering what was on her mind. And merc continued, ‘It’s also terrifying. That the past is looking down on you, never leaving. All the shit you’ve done just waiting to bite you in the ass at the most inappropriate moment.’

Judy looked at the mercenary, who was staring intently at the dark sky with tired eyes. The fact that V was here, in the Columbarium at this hour, throwing questions aloud into the deaf ether, suggested that either something really bad had happened or her condition was deteriorating. Or maybe both. Judy’s stomach tightened and all of a sudden she felt sick. She wanted to reach towards V, grab her hand and give her a reassuring squeeze, saying that everything will be fine, although she didn't know it herself and she was sure the merc wouldn't buy it. But at least she would smile. With a sad expression, but still. 

Although Judy didn't do any of these things.

She squinted her eyes trying to figure out how much emotional baggage merc was dragging. And she wouldn’t mind unloading it bit by bit every single day, learning V piece by piece until she'd get a whole picture. That vision was rather impossible to fulfill though because her favorite merc was a very private person, even more than Judy herself, keeping her secrets deep inside, emotions on a leash, and trivia about herself to a bare minimum.

And that was okay, Judy got that, but it didn’t change the fact that she just wanted to pick up a crowbar and pry open that tightly locked door. Unfortunately more and more she got the impression that there was no door, no key, just walls that V built around herself. Judy wanted to tear them down with a wrecking ball but at the same time, she knew that this could be the reason that’d drive V away from her. And she could not bear another loss of a friend because of her own fault. So she was trying to make little cracks and scratches, even if with her fingernails, and let V decide what and when to share with her. Because it was worth it. 

Everything in Night City was fast, fake, disposable, and temporary - sex, food, relationships. Every time you met someone new, you had the same dilemma - when they’re gonna fuck you over - before, during, or after doing you a favor? And that was exactly what it was - not a sincere help that emerged from selfless concern, but a favor, simple and cold quid pro quo. The reality was hard for most Night City citizens, everyone was looking for a way to survive somehow, endure another day in this hellish paradise. It was just horrifying and overwhelmingly depressing that somewhere along the way people lost the rest of their humanity and a minuscule of dignity for another human being.

But V was an example that not every last one of the souls was lost. She showed Judy a lot of patience for her crazy ideas that were lurching dangerously on the verge between insanity and common sense. She also had never given her any reasons or presumptions to doubt her sincere willingness to help and unclog the city's septic tank. She was with Judy through thick and thin, never leaving her high and dry, bearing her anger, sadness, never-ending suspicion, and standoffishness, literally and figuratively, on her shoulders. So she was definitely worth the wait. Because that kind of people was an endangered species, totally and completely indispensable.

‘I kinda killed the mood, didn’t I?’ V asked, probably wondering why Judy went silent for a while.

‘We’re at the Columbarium, so the mood is already dead,’ she replied. Merc shook her head and chuckled quietly. Judy grew to like that sound which automatically painted a smile on her face.

A car with two women inside parked near them. When they were passing Judy by, their eyes lingered a little too long on her face. She frowned and gave them the dagger eyes victoriously scaring them off. V noticed this intensive exchange of glances and coughed nervously, ‘You’re still…,’ she waved with her right hand in front of Judy’s face.

‘Fuck,’ Judy started wiping the rest of her smudged mascara. Seeing merc furrowing her eyebrow with a poor attempt to keep from smiling rising all over her face, she asked, ‘I still look like shit, don’t I?’

V took a few steps forward, now being really close to Judy. So close that she felt her warmth, which in turn made Judy weirdly warm inside.

‘Can I?’ Judy wasn’t sure what she agreed to by this silent nod, but she did it very quickly and without any hesitation. V took her left hand out of her jacket pocket and placed it on Judy’s jawline, while another one was wiping with the sleeve, thoroughly but gently the messed up makeup. Judy was closely watching V’s face - the small frown betrayed her deep focus, slightly dark circles under the eyes indicated that she hadn't been sleeping very well recently. A few new freckles appeared around her nose, which was probably due to her spending more time on Badlands. Her eyes were tired but still with that spark that could light up the entire city.

‘Voila,’ V announced, making her realize that she was creepily staring and examining the merc’s face.

Judy drew back, a little bit flushed and startled by her own body reactions that she was not fully controlling now. ‘Great,’ she nervously chuckled, ‘I’m not a walking disaster anymore. Thanks.’

‘Oh, please, as it’d even be possible.’ The merc obviously was not making it easier to clear up this mind havoc with that statement and smile. ‘Wanna sit or-?’

Judy did want to sit, stare alternately at the sky and V, talking about everything and nothing, or just be silent together, but it was getting really late, and going back to the city was becoming more and more challenging with every minute, ‘I should probably find some way to get back to the city.’

V nodded with a clear disappointment, but after a second she asked with confusion, ‘Wait, so how’d you get here anyway?’

‘Rita. She found a hotshot in North Oak and gave me a ride. She just texted me-’

‘I can drive you,’ V said firmly and walked towards her motorcycle, leaving Judy behind. Even though it was a proposal, it didn't sound like it could be turned down, so Judy just mumbled a simple “mmkay” under her nose and tagged along. Not that she was against the idea, quite the contrary. The prospect of riding a bike together made her feel mushy inside. ‘But where? Home, Lizzie’s?’

Judy hesitated for a longer while. To be honest she did not want to return to any of those places. She just wanted to be anywhere but there.

‘You don’t have to work tonight?’ V continued asking because the previous question remained unanswered.

‘Nope. Took a night off.’

‘Huh.’ Merc stopped by the bike and planted her hand on a gas tank. 

That exclamatory particle of a sentence made Judy frown, ‘What?’

V was looking far away at the city, with her back still turned, thinking about something. ‘Nothing. But in that case, I have an idea.’

Judy was intrigued and maybe a little too excited, but all she was able to say was, ‘Oh?’

V turned around and shifted her gaze on Judy with a smirk on her face. ‘Hop in.’ She pointed with her head on the back seat of the motorcycle.

The bike made quite an impression on Judy. The Arch was elegantly black, just like V, but there the similarities ended. It had red leather seats and was customized with all Valentinos' identification marks - a gilded image of Santa Muerte that adorned the gas tank and gang name at the tail fairing. Judy knew about V’s connections with Heywood from Evelyn, but she was unaware of her present or past gang affiliation. 

In other words, that bike somehow did not entirely match V’s style.

‘But where are we going?’ Judy asked with her arms crossed, shifting her gaze from the motorcycle back on V.

The merc rolled her eyes and sat on the bike. She put out her hand to help Judy to do the same, ‘I thought that we are past the suspicion stage in this relationship of ours.’ Judy flushed a little at the last words and V probably just realized what she said, so she sheepishly added, ‘I meant in our friendship, that is.’

‘Buy me a dinner first, then we’ll see,’ Judy said flirtatiously to loosen up the tension and awkwardness in the air and took V’s hand. The merc just smiled at that remark and shook her head. 

She sat down behind V and didn’t know exactly what to do with her hands. But when the merc started the motorcycle, Judy lost her balance and her arms automatically wrapped around V’s waist. She felt that merc’s body stiffened for a moment but the second they hit the road, she relaxed, making Judy feel the same.

But that was only temporary because V apparently did not hear about the speed limit. Judy had never driven that fast, not as a driver nor a passenger. The speed was definitely increasingly felt on the motorcycle than in the car, so Judy while sitting in the back and feeling that she had no control over the vehicle, tightened her squeeze. V must have understood this unspoken request because she noticeably slowed down.

They weren’t coming back to the city, that one was obvious. The landscape of Badlands stretched out before them, however, Judy couldn’t make out a lot of their surroundings because it was really dark. The only place that could compete with a similar amount of darkness per square kilometer that Judy knew very well and where she felt like she belonged was underwater. She understood why V liked spending time here, on Badlands. Open space, silence, freedom, being far, far away from the Night City's lights, noise, and smell. Those were the same reasons why Judy started to look for an escape even if it was short and demanded a lot of preparation. Taking a breather from the city, diving deep underwater was helpful to clear her head and to slow down this race of thoughts inside. That was her place where she could breathe easily.

Judy wasn’t sure how long this trip was going to take, so she allowed herself to rest her head on V's back. The second her forehead touched the merc’s back she felt the familiar smell of leather, warmth, and again, something new that she couldn’t name back at Columbarium. Not new. Something she knew from before, maybe even back from her childhood, but she still couldn’t recognize or remind herself what that was exactly.

When they arrived at the place Judy was asleep. For the first time since Evelyn's death, she fell asleep without any artificial help in the shape of therapeutic braindances or alcohol. The soft squeeze on her knee woke her up.

‘Hey, Jude, we're here.’

Judy peeled her head from V's back and looked around.

‘And where is _here_ exactly?’

‘Well, you have to let me go to find out.’

‘Hm, I think I’ll need more convincing.’

‘Jude…’ V said firmly but Judy heard her smiling.

She chuckled. She liked the sound of her name, especially in that form coming from V's mouth. ‘Alright, alright.’

Judy loosened her squeeze and slowly removed her arms from V’s waist. She took an opportunity to linger and wander with her hands a little bit longer under the merc’s jacket, but not for too long. She didn’t want to creep or scare V off.

When both of them finally landed with their feet on the ground, Judy noticed a little blush on V’s cheeks. She tried really hard not to smile with an undoubtful pride that she was the cause of it.

She looked around - they were at some kind of unfinished or more like an abandoned road construction site. The vast and sandy nothingness behind them, and rocky cliffs before them with a huge crane on the other side of the canyon ruining the view. Not exactly a perfect place for a romantic getaway for most people, but Judy didn’t mind at all. Especially since it was definitely not a romantic getaway. Probably just an attempt made by V to keep her distracted for a while. Which was cute and generous. Or maybe it was just a pity? Judy quickly brushed this thought off, like it was an irritating fly buzzing over her ear.

It was really quiet out here. The only sound was the wind that swept the sand from time to time. She approached the edge of the cliff and stood on a metal overlay which was a little bit shaky. She looked down. It was so high that the canyon floor was barely visible. 

Judy felt a hand on her shoulder.

‘Easy there, tiger. I'd rather not scrape you off the ground.’

‘Aww, you’re worried about me?’ Judy asked, turning her face to V.

‘Nah, it’d just be really gross.’

She shoved playfully and accusingly at the merc’s shoulder, ‘Don't pretend you don't care, V. Cause in that scenario, you'd still go all the way down for me. So gotcha.’

‘Touche.’ V smiled and looked straight into her eyes. Judy got the impression that this one word was not only a sly comment because the way V said that made her feel there was something more behind this. She was not sure if that was intentional, or a slip of a tongue, or maybe she was just imagining it. The loneliness makes you overanalyze things which in return leaves you with more emptiness and with an even greater sense of solitude. 

The merc decided to break down the silence as she pointed with her thumb behind her and started moving backward like she was strategically retreating. ‘So... Wanna beer?’

Judy nodded her head in agreement while biting her lower lip. V invited her to sit down in the plastic chair making a gesture with her hand in which she was already holding a bottle of beer. When Judy placed herself in probably the most uncomfortable chair ever, V opened her bottle with hers and passed it to the techie. The merc hit the upper edge of the bottle against a small barrier. The bottle cap fell to the ground and the bottle released a classic _psst_. V leaned against the concrete railing and took a sip of her beer.

‘So why are we here?’ Judy finally asked. Not that she minded the comfortable silence between them. She was just genuinely curious.

V shrugged nonchalantly. ‘Figured you’d use a distraction. Well, you and me both, to be honest.’ She took another sip.

‘I meant why are we _here_?’

‘Oh. It’s the best place to hide a body,’ the merc answered with that cocky smile of hers that Judy adored and hated at the same time.

The techie just rolled her eyes, ‘Gonk.’

‘It’s my friend’s spot, actually. But I don’t think he’d mind that I borrowed it for the night.’

‘What about stealing his beer?’ Judy asked, sipping the liquid from her bottle.

‘He should be thankful,’ V said and lowered her voice, ‘Just between you and me - nomads' beer tastes like piss. But don’t rat me out. They’d kill me.’

‘We don’t want that. So is there any story why he likes this spot or both of you use it to hide the bodies?’

V chuckled, ‘It’s both actually.’ Judy widened her eyes because she was sure that remark about the bodies was just a joke. But now it looked like it was not just that. ‘His best friend, Scorpion, died while we’re-’ The merc made a short pause and started subconsciously ticking the label off the bottle with her index finger. ‘Anyways, Mitch asked me to help him with the final goodbye. Can’t say, I felt honored that he asked me of all of the people. Guilty too. So we drove right here, Mitch opened the trunk of the car and there was Scorpion. His body, that is. It stank really bad.’

‘You’re shitting me right now.’

‘Nope,’ V replied with a shake of her head, making sure to pop the p. ‘We made him fly right off that edge in his car.’ She pointed to the cliff with her beer. ‘That was his last wish. To go out with a bang. And he did.’ The merc smiled sadly and took a sip of her beer.

There was no doubt - V was a great storyteller, able to hold the listener's attention, that is only when she wanted it and cared to shed some light on her world. Judy wanted to push further, ask about the nomads, Scorpion’s death, just to scrape the surface even more because she clearly saw another crack that was running from the top of the wall all the way down. She also wanted to show V how much she cared, to make sure that she is there for her, always, anytime, anywhere. She wanted to make those dark circles under her eyes go away, to shoo away those nightmares, doubts, questions or whatever was causing her to stay awake at night. Judy somehow knew that it would be a remedy for her too. But she decided to keep it to herself. For now at least.

‘But ‘sides of all that it’s also a great place to watch stars.’ V looked up and Judy followed. In fact, it was so dark here that you could see the stars perfectly. The weather conditions were also convenient for them - she didn't notice a single cloud. It was peaceful. She hadn’t felt like that since… Well, she didn’t even remember.

‘So what, are you some kind of a nerd when it comes to astronomy?’

‘Nah. Just people have a lot in common with stars, y’know? They start small, as just a cloud of dust and gases. They also come with an expiration date, like all of us,’ V took a long pause. The label of the bottle was already half-peeled, ‘and then they die. Some of them with a bang that no one hears. While the rest...’ Judy widened her eyes and with her curiosity peaked at that statement, she shifted her gaze at V who was already looking at her with a sad expression, probably for a while now because as soon as their eyes met the merc ducked away with her gaze like she was caught red-handed. ‘The rest turn into the composed, dead mass.’

Judy wasn’t sure whether it was alcohol, the time of night, or the place, but whatever the reason was for V’s opening to her, it warmed her heart, that the mercenary was starting to tear down the wall herself, from the inside, to let her in. 

‘Would you like that? To go out like Scorpion or a star? With that _bang_?’

V put down the empty bottle on the ground and crossed her arms on the chest, ‘Well, it’s better than bleeding out in some stinky, dark, and pissed alley. But no, I’d rather end like an average star. They die but they’re not dead, not really, y’know. They’re illuminating. Never fading away.’

‘So eternal fame? Like Johnny Silverhand?’

‘God no. ‘Sides he was like a supernova, went out with an enormous bang.’ V spaced off for a second, probably exchanging some comments with the said devil. ‘He left huge havoc. Even when he was alive he was like a black hole. And I’m afraid I started turning into one.’

‘How so?’

V smiled mysteriously and put her hands into jacket pockets, ‘That’s enough of this doom, drunk talk. Sorry for my blabbering.’

‘I don’t mind.’

‘I know. And thanks. I mean it. But it’s your turn.’

Judy frowned, ‘For what?’

‘Why were you at the Columbarium today?’

‘Wanted to talk, like you. But couldn’t.’

‘I meant why _today_?’

She shrugged and focused on her bottle. ‘No special occasion. Just because.’

‘Jude…’

‘Ugh, fine. It’s just... Lately I have this race of what if-s in my head, can’t sleep, can’t eat. I’m just working all the time, keeping myself busy, distracted.’

V nodded quietly and looked at the cliffs. She understood, Judy knew she did.

‘Sounds like you made a step further in your grief. To the bargaining phase.’

‘Oh, fuck off, what are you, shrink?’

‘Oh, I take that back, you’re still at anger.’ Judy slightly kicked V’s ankle. The merc shifted her gaze on the techie and looked at her attentively. ‘What kind of what if-s?’

Judy sighed heavily and put down the bottle on the table. She stood up and leaned against the railing next to the merc. That way it was easier to avert V’s piercing and all-seeing gaze.

‘What if I could do more for Evie, what if I was not good enough for her, what if all the shit I made you, Tom and Roxie do would only bring us doom, what if I am broken somehow that I attract some kind of mayhem like a fucking magnet? That kind of what if-s. Happy now?’

She was too harsh, she was aware of that. But she couldn’t help it. She wanted to scream, punch something or really just do anything other than talk. She didn’t want to look at V, afraid of what she might find on her face. Disappointment? Confirmation of her concerns? Pity? That one would be the worst. Since Evelyn’s suicide, everyone back at Lizzie’s tiptoed around her. Compassionate nods, looks, hugs, squeezes - they all blended in an everyday ritual performed by the Moxes every single time she left her lair. And they were sincere, at least most of them. But she was so sick of it. So if V’s expression was pitiful, this time she would actually snap.

‘Far from it. Judy, about Evelyn - you can’t blame yourself, she made a choice-’

‘I’m gonna stop you right there. I remember what you told me back in my bathroom. But seeing you tonight, hearing you here and now, all this talk about a black hole - it’s a teensy bit hypocritical, don’t you think?’

V breathed in with a purpose to say something, but Judy’s words probably took her ammunition to fire with another argument. She just nodded and smiled. ‘You’re absolutely right. I am the last person who should tell you that.’

And now a feeling of guilt surfaced on Judy’s already cool chest. ‘I’m sorry, didn’t want to lash out at you.’

‘No, no, it’s fine, really. I think… I think I needed that.’ Out of nowhere, V laughed, urging Judy to take her eyes off the ground.

‘Eddie for your thoughts?’ Judy asked, frowning in amusement.

‘It’s prolly a sleep deficit.’ V wiped her face with both of her hands. ‘It’s just… I went to Jackie’s tonight to get some answers to my idiotic questions. Of course, didn’t find any, but you calling me a hypocrite helped a lot actually. So thank you.’

‘Well, glad to be of service.’

‘But you know what that means?’

Judy raised her eyebrow and gave V a puzzled look. ‘What?’

‘That you’re also a hypocrite. So welcome to the club.’ The merc held out her hand in a high-five gesture. Judy didn’t have the heart to leave her hanging so she gave her five back. The skin contact was brief but intense. V looked down and delicately grabbed Judy’s hand. She started stroking her palm with a thumb. Judy did not take her eyes off V's face even though most of it was covered with her hair. ‘As for the rest of your what if-s - me, Tom, and Roxie are adults, we can decide for ourselves. And you’re not broken, Judy. You’re the most whole person that I know. A real one. With a heart too damn big for your own sake. You’re more than enough, okay? Don’t make anything or anyone tells you otherwise.’

Judy’s heart was about to get away from her chest. At that very moment, she finally remembered what that familiar feeling had been, and she had felt it for the third time that evening. But even stronger and more subtle at the same time, if that was even possible. She felt it as a child, sitting on her grandfather's lap and crying because of her peers' teasing. She felt it as a teenager when, despite her angst and pouting, her grandmother continued to give her that smile of understanding and kindness. Then, as right here, right now, she felt fully wanted, accepted, with all her weaknesses, insecurities, and doubts, which at the same time slowly began to rise and she started to hope maybe someday they’d vanish completely, leaving her gravitational field forever and becoming space junk.

Judy tucked V’s hair behind her ear with a free hand and caressed a dark circle under her eye with a thumb. The merc’s eyelashes were pleasantly tickling the skin on her finger. 

‘Hey,’ Judy said quietly, almost whispering, to make V look at her.

‘Hey what?’ The merc slowly shifted her gaze right on Judy’s eyes.

‘Thank you.’

‘What for?’

‘For tonight. For making me feel right.’

‘So I guess I should do the same.’

Judy let go of V’s hand and placed it on her other cheek. She stood on her tiptoes with an obvious intent but V grabbed her wrists. ‘Judy, are you sure you want to do this now? You’re sad, I’m sad, maybe-’

‘I don’t fucking care at this point.’ And she really didn’t. She wanted to feel something good for a change. She was suppressing all these feelings for V and she couldn’t take it anymore. She had to let them out. Before the merc would disappear in her own world, before she’d brick her walls again, before she’d run away for some stupid reason Judy would come up with.

Before V’d have too much of her. 

She pushed herself on the merc, planting her lips hungrily on V’s. The kiss was intense and desperate. V swiftly kissed her back with the same amount of intensity and desperation. Feeling that it was reciprocated, Judy pressed her lips even more firmly, her hands were now wandering on V’s neck whereas the merc’s hands were sliding from Judy’s waist down her thighs. V gave them a meaningful squeeze which Judy understood in no time. She jumped up so V could grab and carry her. When Judy landed on the table, she reluctantly peeled herself from V’s lips and started eagerly and hastily unzipping merc’s pants while V was kissing her neck.

In her peripheral, she noticed her phone. It must have fallen off of her back pocket. The screen was glowing relentlessly. She tried to ignore that but the texts were from Roxie. And there were a lot of them. Something bad had happened, Judy knew that. The blood drained from her body and she felt sick. 

Then it started buzzing. Loudly.

V noticed Judy’s hesitation and then she quickly realized that Judy’s phone was on the ground. She picked it up and gave it to Judy.

‘Answer it.’

‘But we-’

‘Another time.’ V smiled, kissed her, and left her alone with the vibrating bad news in her hand.

Judy couldn’t bring herself to answer the phone. She scrolled down the messages. They were about Clouds. How Tyger Claws slaughtered most of the dolls to show what happens when someone opposes them.

This is what you get when you fight the system. It’s always the same. You cannot win.

For a minute there she allowed herself to lose herself and this is how it ended. The brutal reality was reaching out for her again to make her come back to the ground. But this time she was already there.

Grounded. And ready for another round.

Because she was not in pieces anymore, someone helped her to start pulling herself together. There still were doubts in her faith for a better tomorrow and she saw some lies in the simple truths, but maybe that was exactly what it meant to be a human. And that's all that mattered in this fake, plastic world.


End file.
